Thursday, July 25, 2013

Taking a Look in the Mirror


Have you ever caught yourself looking in a mirror and it’s like you’re seeing yourself for the first time? That happened to me recently and I realized that the tall good looking individual that I really never was, no longer existed, even in my own imagination.

It’s almost like for a few brief seconds you see yourself the way the world sees you and it’s somewhat of an eye opener. In fact, there is often a gap between how we see ourselves and how others see us, and occasionally the gap is much bigger than we think. Self awareness, not my greatest strength, involves a kind of brutal honesty that is often difficult to deal with, but it’s really the only way we grow. Sometimes it’s the only way we get better in our understanding of ourselves and our relationships with others.

Self-awareness often involves comparing ourselves to those around us. Sometimes what or who we deem as comparative can enhance or deplete our self-esteem, as well as benefit or hurt our health. For example, often in street life there’s a comparison of living situations. A person that is sleeping in a shelter might actually see himself or herself as having an ideal living situation. This, however, might be because he/she is comparing shelter-living to sleeping in a park in minus 30 degrees weather. Knowing what the comparison is can really help us unravel the complexities of street life.

I’m so grateful that God sees past all of that stuff in my life and the lives of others. Recently, a group of employees at The Mustard Seed in Calgary were reflecting on the names of God. Genesis 16:13 uses the name El Roi in reference to God – literally meaning a God who sees. There is great comfort in knowing that God not only sees me, but loves me and accepts me where I’m at. And there is no performance clause! If I get it right, God loves me. If I get it wrong (frequently), God still loves me. Who knew Billy Joel was sharing a biblical truth when he sang, “I love you just the way you are.”

How do the homeless see themselves? Likely not as their public persona, where because of deep hurt and rejection they have developed some pretty amazing self-defense mechanisms complete with corresponding story lines to build themselves up. Furthermore, some individuals experiencing homelessness might actually believe that they’re doing alright, mainly because their situation compared to others in their lives seems more ideal. Thereby making them seem like they’re putting on a brave face. If you’ve never had a bed to compare a shelter mat to, a shelter mat might actually feel like you’re sleeping on a Sealy Posturepedic in comparison to sleeping on the street.

Sometimes their social presentation seems very different than some of us would expect from people living “without,” yet even the stigma surrounding homelessness might influence the identity they present to others. If we expect certain attitudes, we often receive stories. On occasion, however, if you walk alongside these amazing people, you will get glimpses into the reality of the mirror image they see; an image that throws back broken pictures of abuse and rejection or of self-inflicted pain based on bad choices often forced upon them because of circumstances beyond their control. An image that makes them victims or, in some cases, even heroes of their own story. Their image is often no more accurate than ours.

And what about this gap between how we see ourselves, and how others see us?  Sometimes our flawed self-awareness makes us bigger and better. Other times, we do not value ourselves as much as we should. Many of the awesome folks we care for at The Mustard Seed see themselves as having little or no value. How often does our attempt to be an encouragement get lost in the false reality of their own self-image? This is perhaps why mental health issues amongst the homeless are so much more prevalent than in other population bases. I‘ve asked it a million times: did the mental health crisis result in being homeless, or did homelessness result in the mental health crisis? It’s a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. We have expectations of the homeless to be broken, and perhaps, in some way, through survival self-defense mechanisms, mental illness arises.

So what’s the point? Simply this: the reality is that we have so much more in common with people we care for in this world. We are not that big of a deal.

It’s in our common challenges that we will often find the bridge that can lead to relationships, and that out of those relationships comes the opportunity to truly make a difference in our neighbours’ lives. We are all just out there doing the best we can; we all have good days and bad days. Some of us just look like we’re more successful at doing it than others.

-Kristen Desjarlais deKlerk, PhD ABD, Department of Sociology at U of C and Bill Nixon, Director of Support Services, The Mustard Seed


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